863 Nights*

(Written on Sunday)
Last night was my first night, ever, with out my sweet, precious boy. Since the moment he was a wee seed growing in my puku (and before, if you were to think about it in such a way), and for 863 continuous, beautiful nights after his birth we have never been apart.
Curling up with my beautiful little fellow at the end of a long day, for me, has always been one of the sweetest rewards Mama-hood brings. It is the best part of my day :-).
I always knew the time would come, when eventually he would spend a night away from me once in a while, but I also knew I would find it really hard when the time finally came. And I was right... I cried after he left with his dad, and when he came home again today.

In the past three months, since the separation, the hardest thing for me to deal with has been the time spent away from my son. The decision to have a child was a very conscious choice for me, a choice that I made because I genuinely wanted to have a child IN my life, not to just have a child. Having never spent more than 3 hours away from him before (and that in itself was very rare), and then all of a sudden being without him for 7 hours one day, or two hours every evening, was like having my heart ripped out!

That has, by far, been the hugest hurdle for me to work through since separating from Chris. Time away from my little love. Lots of time away from him. But what has helped me to get through that has been the knowledge that, though he often does it in a different way to me, he loves our sweet boy JUST as much as I do. Our son's secondary attachment (and only just secondary, in my opinion, now that he is 2.25) is with his father, and it is not just OK for him to spend time with him, but healthy and important, for both of them.

I am working at making positive use of my new 'free time'. I have started up yoga classes again, and have managed to make it to a couple of evening craft groups (some woodwork, needle felting, stitch'n'bitch), and this week I'm hoping to make it to my first life drawing class. So all is not lost. And though I still very much feel that I am deep in transition, and will probably be for awhile yet, I like to think that when I settle into this new way of life, that the time I am spending with my darling boy will be far more conscious, present time. I feel I am on my way to that already, but still have some way to go.

Transition. For me, this is the place where I know what I DON'T want in my life and am moving away from that. Equally important is that I am clarifying that which I DO want, and am consciously moving towards it. But the terrain is unfamiliar, and though it can feel exciting and full of promise some days, it can just as equally be lonely, scary, and uncertain. Lucky I like a great adventure! :-D.
Arohanui, Tink Xx*

Change*

This year has been one of epic change for me. I have always had the belief that turning 30 would mean something magical for me, that my life would blossom, and things would make more sense, and I would feel more comfortable in my skin. And, just like anything we put our belief into, these changes are occurring. But this is definately not a case of faery godmothers waving wands and all is peachy! Nope, I'm on a journey that is far more rewarding than that!

My winter involved a lot of withdrawal from the world; this blog for starters, but also groups and activities I've been involved with in the past, and even from friends and family to a certain extent, as I gathered my personal resources close to myself, giving me some much needed energy for a deep clean of my heart and my mind, but still enabling me to continue giving my sweet boy what he needs.

I was cleaning out some suitcases from my previous life (pre mama!), and found an old sketch book which I had scribbled down a quote in. Though I have no idea where it is from, who wrote it, or where I read it, I think it sums up so much about where I am right now. It's the kind of thing I think is relevant for us all, and is worth sharing.

"All sustaining change that will benefit my life will take an exchange of something I would rather hang on to. This truth however has an extremely bright side; If I am willing to make the sacrifice then what I aim for will become increasingly evident and rewarding."

It is now written up on a chalkboard in my kitchen. When things get tough, I read it, and it sustains me, and inspires me :-).

I also had the blessing of reconnecting w a childhood friend Rebekah, in one of those magical ways that the universe uses to remind you that you are on the right path. I had been having the feeling that I needed to supplement my 'work' (counselling, reading etc) with something that shifted my 'stuff' on a more cellular level, and low and behold, back into my life walked Rebekah, who in the 17ish years since we last saw each other, has become a Zero Balance practitioner. I'd never heard of ZB, and though I shall try to to ramble on too much, I do think it is worth a mention. Zero Balancing works on the energy that is stored in our bones, much of which can be negative energy. The process is pretty amazing, but feels really simple and relaxing, and during both my first and second sessions what I experienced was undeniably healing! Undeniably! 

I guess with any ammount of change there is risk involved. When you reach a point in your life where the risk of staying the same outweighs the risk of change, then big things start to happen. 

My partner and I seperated just over a month ago now, and so we are working together as best we can to provide all the love and support, fun and magic, cuddles, snuggles, adventures, games and stories that our darling boy needs and deserves (and that we both so gladly want to give him!), from two houses now, instead of one. I guess I may write about that a little more as time goes on, but right now, that is probably enough information :-).

So here I am! Feeling excited about what all this newness shall bring, and rather hopeful and more inspired than I have felt for a long time, but most of all I am feeling a renewed confidence in myself, and my ability to make the absolute best of whatever comes my way.

'The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.' Anais Nin 

And, for anyone that remembers this photo of chaos, here is an update! Yup, big changes happening around here, all over the show! 

Arohanui, Tink*

Leaving (noun) an Autumn activity involving leaves.*

Just some lovely photos to share, of my sweet boy, and his best mate Soul enjoying Autumn... 

Arohanui, Tink Xx*

How cool is this chainsaw? Bought for Soul at the Steiner Autumn Fair*

Don't worry, that hammer actually lands about 2 inches behind that wee finger!*

Magic!*

Scooping...*

Throwing...*

Brooming...*

Fall*

Hello again! My, it feels like so long... Oh well, life happens, doesn't it! ;-).

So the fabulous Craft Wars has been and gone, and I am disappointed to say I didn't take any proper photos!! This is not like me at all- but I shall put it down to excitement!

All packed up- after the show*

 Fortunately my lovely Flower did take some photo's, so check hers out over here. We had an AWESOME time, and I can't wait for the next one in November. 

I have sorted out a wee Felt shop with some of my stock, which I will add to as soon as I sort out my shonky photos. Also, I need to find a clever way to test the recycled fabrics I pick up from our local Arts Recycling Centre when I'm a bit unsure of what they are made from... Any ideas? (Yes, I shall get my butt around to googling it, but any 'tried and true' tips would be awesome!). I prefer to use wool or cotton, or other natural fibres, but if I spot a gorgeous (reclaimed) fabric that I'm unsure of the 'contents' of, I grab it.

And, of course, Autumn is falling all around here- and it's beautiful :-).

The view from my Stitch Room. Not the sunny side of the house unfortunately*

Leafy puddles, ready for faerys to collect*

Our apple crop was bountiful last year- though is looking a lil' sad this time around*

Gearing up! All three porches are stacked*

Eternally wet washing*

Autumn Silverbeet*

Our first Fennel bulb, which I'm REALLY excited about!*

My sweet boy, out for a puddle-splashing adventure with me :-).*

Hope you're all warm and toasty, and loving the Autumn leaves, 

Arohanui, Xx Tink*

Around here...*

When I see this photo, I think of the Sia album titled 'Some People Have Real Problems'!*

Stamp. It works sometimes! Still faster than hand painting them all.*

Crunchy, floaty autumn leaves :-).*

Definately the last swim of the season!*

Also, three things worth taking a peek at:

 a) Going to this in Palmy, next Saturday,  b) A wonderful birth story from the lovely Rhianon over at Toast- Congratulations, clever Mama! :-). and c) something that has been on my mind much lately. Arohanui, Tink Xx*

Exciting!*

Just lately, I have been sewing, quite a lot, and quite happily :-).
You may (or may not!) have noticed a complete lack of me around here... this is why:

Yup, my very first market! Woohoo!
Ever since I was wee, I knew that when I did eventually become a Mama, that I wouldn't be sending my babe off to 'daycare', so I could go back to work. I personally believe wholeheartedly in the importance of my lil' one being with me (or the dada, but in the first few years, mostly me), and learning about the world with me (/us), rather than from some stranger, who will (no matter how nice they are) have an entirely different way of seeing things. I didn't know it at the time, but I already believed in attachment parenting, I guess :-). Anyway, once we made the decision to get pregnant, I started looking at different options for potential income which I could do from home. I love to sew, among other creative pursuits, so that seemed like quite a logical choice. I have always found satisfaction in dressing in a way which expresses my individuality (though I'm FAR from eternally stylish- I love comfy-ass-clothes too, most of the time actually, OH YES!!!), and when I had my darling boy, and was first starting out on our breastfeeding journey, I found it really difficult to find clothes which fell into any of the catagories of 'nursing friendly', warm, comfy, affordable, all whilst still maintaining some semblance of my former personal style- PHEW! In short, I wanted clothes I could comfortably breastfeed in, while still feeling like 'myself'. So I decided that was what I wanted to focus on. And hence the name 'Milkface'. Any breastfeeding Mama will know the immeasurable beauty of that newborn sleepy-milky-face as they just come off your breast (often asleep, with milk on their cheeks, OOoooohhh, just so lovely!).

(Yes, that is a hospital tray table in the background. But that is a story for another day!)

So, now my sweet boy is nearly two, I am finally settling into some form of organisation, where I am managing to get a bit of sewing done here and there. I have gotten a bit distracted from my original plan, -or as I prefer to call it 'branching out', and am making all sorts of things, and not just solely womens clothes. But this is my time to research and design, and to build my skills, and I am enjoying that part of the journey. I have made a couple of lil' woolen coats, in sizes to fit my ratbag, and am playing around with some other lil' things too. So, we shall see how this all goes! I am enjoying it, and feel real excitement, enthusiasm and joy at the creative process. So, as I am clearly at risk of this becoming a) a novel, and b) my 10th unfinished, unpublished, blog post, I shall end it here, with a couple of photos.

See you again after May The Fourth! Arohanui, Tink Xx*

We live behind a dairy...!*

So.... after my last two super healthy food posts, here is the flip side! We live behind a dairy- and for someone with a fairly epic ice cream/chocolate addiction, I manage to spend not too much time, or pocket money in that place. Its hard. I'm still at the beginning of my 'Willpower Journey'! 

It was sunny the other day, and as we have been feeling a bit shafted by summer, we decided to celebrate... with ice cream :-).*

'I think I love you..!'*

'Share? Not ice cream!'*

'Have I got something on my face?'*

'Maybe if I close my eyes really tight I can pretend I am not feeding my toddler  ice cream!'*

Mmmm...... Ice cream! 

And, to make myself feel a little less hedonistic, and to show that I am learning to share, here is a recipe for home made ice cream that I frequently make, and totally rate! I always use diferent flavourings (the latest was Peanut Butter-Choc, made with organic p.nut butter, raw organic cream, and choc ganache made from 70% cocoa choc! CORR!)

Arohanui, Tink Xx*

A pocket full of (black) gold*

Treasure!*

Our blackberry bush is roaring at the mo! Everyday we are bringing in at least a good sized pocket full!

Would you like a smooch?!*

Gearing up for winter*

I am making a conscious effort to find creative ways to feel excited about the approaching Winter. I have always felt 'most alive' in Summer, and have, for much of my life, really just been 'surviving' Winter, to get through to the warmer months. What a waste! I am amazed I have allowed myself to keep this attitude for so long! So, this Autumn, and Winter, the little fellow and I shall be embarking on as many outdoor, rugged up, boot wearing, tree climbing, bush walking, umbrella toting, puddle splashing adventures as we can- followed by hot baths, a cosy fire, soup and stories. Oh, and plenty of hut making on really shoddy days (we live in the Manawatu- I foresee MUCH hut making!)

Behold, the SUPER HUT!*

You could fit a queen bed inside this hut! CORR!*

We have been blessed with a really good tomato season. There have been plenty of opportunities for the darling boy and I to discuss the difference between red and green. Tomato's, chilli's, strawberries. I think he was just getting the hang of it when the blackberries ripened, and now nothing makes sense!  

Roughly chopped and frozen, free flow tom's.*

THE BEST tomato sauce!*

My fabulous friend Flower (erm.. I do have other friends, I feel I must point out- but she seems to be the only one I mention here!) told me of this (above) excellent way to make use of tomatoes. Roughly chop them, add onion and garlic (though I did forget these once, and that was a whole other kind of lovely!), herbs, olive oil, salt n pep, balsamic vinegar, some sugar (or other sweetener), and roast on 100-150 for a few hours, checking occasionally, until it is all caramelised and yummi (though, you can decide at which stage you want to pull it out of the oven, depending on what you will use the sauce for), then whizz it up in the blender/food processor, and you will have the most amazing sauce for pasta, or damn near anything you like. We had some warm today with Zucchini fritters!
I have also added chilli, as we have plenty, and other times chopped raw vege's, such as Zucchini and eggplant. I have frozen a few batches for some instant injections of Summer in the middle of Winter.


And here is an (as always!) thoughtful and interesting post from the wonderful Veronica over at The Mother Magazine blog.

Wishing you all as much warmth as we can possibly squeeze out of Autumn, and then some damn good cold weather adventure! Arohanui, Tink Xx*